• Menu
  • Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Tony White

Psychologist

  • Home
  • Profile
    • Professional History
    • Professional Services
    • About Me
    • Training & Work Background
  • Books
  • Journals
  • Blogs
  • Monograph Series
  • Home
  • Profile
    • Professional History
    • Professional Services
    • About Me
    • Training & Work Background
  • Books
  • Journals
  • Blogs
  • Monograph Series

Testing in relationships

The same testing behaviour can happen in the therapeutic relationship. Any client is already in a vulnerable and emotionally open position in therapy. Or at least that is what will have to happen soon for the person to benefit from the therapy, or little will be achieved.

June 9, 2014 //  by Tony White//  4 Comments

Becoming involved in an emotionally intimate relationship is a venture that induces considerable disquiet in many. It means you have to be open and vulnerable, close to the other, trust the other and so on. As we know all these things are tasks which many find quite difficult because one can be hurt and hurt badly. And most, some where in their past have been hurt either in the original family of origin or with a partner in adulthood, or perhaps a close friend or peer group some where in the delicate stage of adolescence.

As one begins to become more involved in such a relationship one way of coping is to test the other party in the relationship. Research shows that in romantic relationships such testing will occur in 35% of cases making it quite a common phenomena. Females were found to use testing behaviour in relationships more so than males.

aaszx

As soon as you let this happen we are open to be hurt

 

Common types of testing:

Testing limits of the other – “How much will he or she put up with and what can I get away with and still keep the person around and interested?”

33% test by seeking to make the partner jealous

Making mildly discounting comments to the partner in the hope they will disagree

Raising topics which they know the partner is sensitive about to see how the partner will react.

Asking ‘loaded’ questions like:
“Do you think I have put on weight?”
Not reminding the partner of anniversaries to see if they will remember
“If I died who would you be interested in?”

Asking the partner to choose between the relationship and something else such as other family members or some activity like work.

Whilst one can understand why people do such things unfortunately such testing creates unwanted side effects. Basically the fabric of the relationship is damaged. If it is not often it does not matter but if there is repetitive testing done it can create significant damage such that the tested partner eventually wants to get away from what they find as disruptive and conflictual behaviour on the behalf of the tester. This can be shown as the Test transaction below:

Test transaction Jpeg

 

Obviously it is better for the tester to openly raise their insecurities and anxieties about the relationship. But that assumes the person is consciously aware of the motive behind their testing behaviour and is capable of taking that risk – to be open and vulnerable with the partner. Some have been hurt many times in the past, that it just seems too risky to be so open, yet again.

The same testing behaviour can happen in the therapeutic relationship. Any client is already in a vulnerable and emotionally open position in therapy. Or at least that is what will have to happen soon for the person to benefit from the therapy, or little will be achieved. Clients can do many things to test the therapist in a similar way, with the overt behaviour and the hidden psychological transaction from the frightened child.

 

Attending a session intoxicated
Reporting illegal behaviour
Reporting behaviour that can result in judgement or disapproval from the other
Missing appointments
Not paying properly
Being abusive or discounting to the therapist

 

The therapist of course is not meant to respond like a partner would, but instead seek to understand the transaction and expose the hidden psychological message.

aawes

It could be said that ‘testing’ is normal human behaviour, self or others.

Category: experimentation, intimacy, Psychotherapy, RelationshipTag: emotional intimacy, psychotherapy, relationships, Transactional analysis

Previous Post: « Therapy of self destructiveness
Next Post: Self harm in a wider context »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Ajit Karve

    June 10, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Very revealing. I have experienced this happening in quite a few cases esp. in revealing illegitimate relationships or taking a call on them. Your suggestion to expose the hidden psy. message is valuable. It could also be an intimacy building process in as much as it could be an invitation to game.

    Reply
  2. Tony White

    June 10, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    Hi Ajit,

    I think you make a good point about the intimacy building process as it hghlights how testing is counter to intimacy building. thanks for your comment.

    Tony

    Reply
  3. R.suresh

    July 28, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    Testing can be intimidating when the tester doesn’t reveal the purpose and keep it to herself/him and come to a judgement. it is always the open discussion even when tested that can bolster the relationships. nice article to read tony

    Reply
  4. Tony White

    July 30, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    Thanks R.suresh,

    I would agree that testing could be used to try and gain the upper hand in a relationship (intimidate).

    Tony

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Website Re-build

The website is being rebuilt at the moment. Thank you for your patience and many apologies for any inconvenience.

Recent Posts

  • Deconfusion of the Child ego state
  • Deconfusion of the Child ego state
  • How I became a child psychotherapist
  • Consent and power in relationships.
  • Silence and the unconscious – Part 2
  • Silence and the unconscious
  • Silence in psychotherapy
  • Permission and redecision
  • Mature love, immature love and the teenager
  • Embrace the homeless
  • Psychology of the court process
  • Psychic organs to ego states
  • Regression – defence mechanism & natural human process
  • Two types or levels of life script change
  • Identification – Post 2
  • Identification – Post 1
  • Self control. Therapeutic implications
  • Adult ego state strengthening – Post 4
  • Adult ego state strengthening – Post 3
  • Adult ego state strengthening – post 2

Recent Comments

  • Irina on Social development – History taking
  • Joseph on How I became a child psychotherapist
  • Kahless on The Demon sub personality (Aka Lillith)
  • Kahless on How I became a child psychotherapist
  • Kahless on Consent and power in relationships.
  • Tony White on Consent and power in relationships.
  • Kahless on Consent and power in relationships.
  • Kahless on Silence and the unconscious – Part 2
  • Kahless on Silence and the unconscious
  • Kahless on Silence and the unconscious

Blog Archive

  • December 2021
  • August 2021
  • July 2021
  • February 2021
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • January 2020
  • September 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • November 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • August 2013

Copyright © 2023 · Mai Lifestyle Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in